On Friday night we had a long talk in bed. He said to me despite everything I still love you. Don’t know why but I am addicted to you . Then it all came tumbling out. He’s been in here reading my blogs.
I’d never thought there will be a day that this would happen. I don’t really restrict my blogs because of the mere fact that I am an extrovert. The other because he’s a computer illiterate, plus he’s not the prying type.
I’d forgotten that he loves me and that he misses me when I am away working. Thus he went on the net to look for me. Usually he’d google my name and click on to my Facebook account to look at my profile photos which are posted as public.
On Tuesday night he did his usual googling and to think what started it all was me changing my profile photo to a sand sculpture. And of course he didn’t realise it was me. Couldn’t get to my profile photos he clicked on the next best thing my blog and the unravelling began.
He said to me what you wrote hurt. You must have been laughing behind my back all this time. I didn’t know how to take the hurt away. The truth is I write to get it out of my system. Sometimes I go back to read. It’s never the same. Feelings comes and go and what might have felt like dire strait at that moment in time might have been written on a bad day.
I asked him why? Even though posted publicly it was my diary, private. He replied if it was then why didn’t you restrict it?
I am so sorry baby. I am sorry for not being the girl you married, the wife you’d hope for. I am sorry too, I know I am not the husband you wanted.
The thing is he is the best husband there is. Looking around comparing others to him he’s a really nice guy, generous, loving, always there, dependable then why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I make it work? Why can’t I love him like he loves me? Is it because I’ve changed? What I felt before now I can’t feel anymore ?
My feelings for him was strong once. I used to love him, obsessed about him then I decided to protect my heart . I was going to keep him at arm’s length and that’s what I did. I didn’t want jealousy to eat away at me.
Still remembered an entry in my old diary. I think that day he went to play badminton yet he didn’t want to drive an extra half an hour to come and see me. For you see he lived in Deer Park then and my parents in Noble Park. Badminton was at the MSAC. The entry was along the line of one of these days you’ll wish I was around and I won’t be.
Some days I wish I could turn back time. Turn back to the time we were happy together but then our relationship was doomed from the very start, too many potholes. Going back I’d doubt it would have turned out any different. We were both young, foolish, way too much pride.