NFR..3 letters..but they means so much..they stand for Not For Resuscitation..that is my wish for my wish is for them to stop prodding her..doing tests on more tablets..just let her be..
last night hubby took us down to visit was feeding time..they were trying to feed her crap..vitaminised diet..looked more like custard, yoghurt to me? and of course half lends on her chest..or 
on her sheets as she either spits it out or she splutters..

I wanted to see bring the kids to see her as I had promised her last time I would..seeing us she agreed to eat the few spoonsful only to splutter badly..I knew she knew we were there as she looked at the kids one by one..she perked right up..
At the moment it is a sad state of affairs..the usually not that cohesive family is in tatters..half the family wants her to go..the other half wants to put a tube in to feed her…to keep her alive..they did not want a jab of morphine to kill
I do not think they understand..all a die with dignity is not with the single jab of morphine..
to die with dignity means palliative more active more tablets..and then at the very end when they are ready to go ..when they are in pain morphine and clonazepam is given to ease their sufferings..let them die comfortably..
I was so upset at my family last night..couldn’t believe that it has come to this..I used to work in a medical ward..I have seen instances where the patients confide in us crying that they want to die yet their family..sons and daughters refuses to let them die..they looked like more life..just sitting there watching the days go by..the doctors still treating because the family won’t let them go..
that is not love..but torture..

Came home and rang my cousin..I have done my is up to her to hopefully get an NFR order signed..after that hopefully a palliative care order signed..we can only step at a time..
I don’t want my grandma to die..but I would rather her go comfortable than endure all this torture..all that spluttering will end up with pneumonia..and then back she goes to the hospital and then more blood tests..more treatment..I don’t want to see pleading in her eyes anymore..don’t want to leave her room crying as I don’t want her to see me distresses her..

2012 Annus Horribilis 

An old post that I found. Some days I miss my grandma. She was fiercely independent for her era and she loved street foods . 

She told me once when I was little a French sailor wanted her to stow away on his ship. I wonder what would have happened if she did ? 

Girls in those days weren’t allowed schooling yet her dad got a tutor to teach her brothers and her. She knew how to read and write.