Today was particularly hard to get out of bed .I set my alarm for 5am that went and gone. I kept on dozing off. In and out of dreams .
It’s now 1114am and just had breakkie/brunch.
Days like today I just want to snuggle in bed and not get up. Not face the world and all of its troubles.
Just close my eyes and escape into nothingness . Feels like I’ve lost my mojo yet again.
Can’t seem to wake myself up from this delirium.
Hopelessness of being stuck and not knowing how to get out.
I’m hopeless at commitments . Don’t scare me and I’m okie. Once I feel trapped my first instinct is to bolt.
And yet that’s how I feel. I feel trapped. Never ending chores. Never ending intimacies. Never ending work with no end in sight.
I’ve tried to structure my life so that I had room to breathe, to have spurts of freedom to not feel trapped.
It has now gone undone. Through series of unplanned events. What I’ve worked so hard for has unravelled.
I remembered a few months back I was saying how I loved my life.A colleague told me off. She said don’t say it too loud. Don’t jinx yourself .
Guess I’ve gone and done it. I’ve jinxed myself.
My favourite place to sit and watch the world go by. Yet still protected from the elements