I don’t really know. I know I feel like crap. I know I should do this and that to save our relationship yet I don’t know if I should .

Went to his sister’s last night coming home feeling worse . 

His niece told me they are all worried about us . About how lately I’m too skinny and how I always look so sad. 

I told her I’m not too skinny. I need to get my legs fixed. That’s why trying to lose weight. 

As for us told her we are all right if only there’s no interference from VN.

Funny that. Yes VN so far away and causing so much grief . 

Her advice to me is to follow him home this November. Go to all of his outings with his friends . Her view is that it’s not tagging along . It’s more to show the girls back there that we are a couple, a team. 

She said girls over there have no morals. They latch on to guys like leeches. They try to find phone numbers even if the guys themselves don’t give out. Then they keep on ringing to talk creating problems within the marriage. Then more talking to comfort the guy and before you know it the marriage is over.

The thing is if the girls have no morals me going back with him would not make a diff? 

She said I don’t understand the VN culture over there . She said you’re like an Aussie you don’t know how bad it is.

The reality of it is I do know. I’m just tired of it all. I know marriage is hard work. I know I can’t be complacent. Yet there’s this part in me that cry out do I really want to fight for this marriage ?

A marriage that has been so very hard from the beginning ? A marriage that has been through so much that I’m surprised it’s still standing ? Is it strong enough to withstand the next bit of assault?

Have I got what it takes to go into battles again? This time it’s a biggie. 

It’s near April now . November is only a few months away. 

I don’t want to go to VN. VN my birthplace and somewhere I do not wish to go back in this life time. I have been back once and that’s enough. Never again.

I can’t deal with the chaos, the heat, the crowds . I don’t want to associate with his friends . The filthy rich that spends their money like there’s no tomorrow. 

I can’t sit back and watch whilst I know the majority of the people in VN are starving . 

I don’t accept spending hundreds and hundreds of US dollars on a night out when the average income is like $5 a day . We don’t even spend that much over here on a night out. 

I’ve often asked myself am I too unbending ? I don’t know . May be I am? 

At this stage in life there are things that I am willing to accept and things I won’t . This is one of those. 

I believe being rich gives you the tools to help people . To give back to society . Our US visitors are those that I would rather befriended with.

They are filthy rich yet every Thanksgiving they used to open their doors to the homeless. They’d popped a few turkeys in their commercial ovens and made a banquet for them . 

I abhorred the filthy rich that only thinks about themselves. Spends money on material goods and when they can’t buy no more then it’s party til you drop.

It’s not my crowd and it will never be my crowd. 

I can’t be with them and hold on to my ideals. My utter disgust would just show on my face.