I woke up with the realisation that you can take a horse to water but it’s pretty much up to the horse to drink it or not.

I’m at my lowest in years. The last time I flopped was in 2012. I’d left my job because of conflict.Hubby was sick. I’d started a new job in Melbourne when he was okie again .We were renovating . We sold our house. My grandma passed away. It was a year in hell. I ended with the flu and it lasted a near month of me just being in bed. Me? I’m never sick. Apart from the flu I survived it.

Fast forward to 2017.

I’m at home again. Left job because of conflict . Started a new job which was worse. No death in the family . Just relationship , health problems and financial strains.

And so I’ve flopped yet again. 

Why? People have asked me why? I told them I don’t know. The truth is I do know.

It’s not the financial or health problems that’s getting me down. It’s my marriage.

All through my marriage I’ve been the wild one. Hubby’s been my anchor all along. Now it’s him that’s being wild and I don’t know how to cope with it? I’m not anchor material. 

I know from experience I should let him have his fun. When he’s had enough he’ll come back to me. I’m his wife and partner not his keeper. 

What if he never comes back ? What am I to do?

I don’t know. I know nothing about running the business. I’ve never been interested in it to learn. 

Guess I can hire a manager in to run it. It means we won’t make much profit to pay the mortgage .

Or I can learn to run it. Guess it’s not too hard. The thing is I’d hate it. I can’t sell for peanuts. I’d rather tell them the right thing like don’t worry about that stye it will go away in 2-3 weeks time. You don’t need no fancy eye drops. 

Or just sell them some Aspro for a sore throat. Just dissolve it and gargle it will do you wonders for your throat. No need for lozenges or throat sprays. 

Have you ever wonder why no pharmacists recommend that? It’s because for about $3 you can get 96 Aspros. Why would they want to sell you that when they can sell you a packet of lozenges or a throat spray for much much much more?

Okie. So if I sell it then what? The money will probably cover most of the mortgage not all. I’d have to sell up the rental as well to ensure we are debt free.

Then I’d have to lease out the shop premise to make sure we have an income . The rents would be just enough to live on. 

Worse scenario . He’s gone back and drank bad rice wine and comes back blind. Or he’s eaten something bad and comes back paralysed . It’s happened before . A few people have come back to Melbourne with severe reactions from what they’ve eaten. 

Okie if that’s the case then it’s the same as scenario 1 . I’d still sell up. 

The last scenario, he’s found someone else. That’s what I’m most worried about. I might seem like I don’t care but the truth is he’s my anchor. Stuff the money and what not I need him to anchor me. 

Stupid isn’t it? Silly isn’t it? The thing is I’d never fight. You fight for what’s yours . No I won’t fight. No point fighting when the other person have made up their mind.

What would happen? 

We’d have to sell the rental and the hidey hole to get rid of most of the debt. 

Then if he wants to keep the business he’d have to borrow the whole amount and some more to buy me out. If he’s able to get a mortgage for that amount. He might not be able to since he hasn’t the other two properties to tie the loan to.

Which means we are both stuffed. Me less stuffed than him. I am easy I can go bunk out at mum’s and dad’s.

The only way he can keep it is if I agree to go halves with him with the business. That way I’d still have an income and he’d still able to keep the business. It means I’d still be tied to him. 

It’s a headache financially if we are to split. We have no gains splitting and that’s what he’s scared of. He’d never divorce me if it’s possible because he has a lot to lose. He can’t afford to divorce me. Which leaves us pretty much in limbo if he ends up with someone else. 

Working it all out this morning helped. It’s been at the back of my mind and yet I kept on pushing it back. It showed after crunching the numbers I can survive financially without him. I don’t know about emotionally but financially comes first. 

As for emotionally where do one find another person this late in life? It’s scary  isn’t it? Mum said it’s like trying to take a liking to someone else’s cuddle pillow complete with all their spits and what not. 

I think she means being with a person with baggages.