Have been crying a lot lately. Just teary thinking about stuff. May be I am depress? I can tick off most of the symptoms. Was sitting in the seminar thinking wow that sounds just like me.

The thing is I hate meds. In my profession I sell them. I advise people to take them but when it comes to taking meds I have the worse compliance of all For one I don’t want to be dependent on anything. For two I don’t want them to mess up my brains.

Guess the messing up bit that worries me the most. I am who I am and I get by and I never give up. That’s me. So if it is depression I am fighting. I will fight it till the end. I will never give up though lately it is getting to me. Feels like I do not have the energy to fight it. Crying all the time. I am careful though don’t want hubby or the kids to know. Because if he knows about it he will send me to get meds. That’s always been his opinion, get help, go on tablets, they are not so bad.

Why should I go on meds? I was very happy in Geelong. Laughing, giggling all the time. It was my job. I loved it. Coming back here? All the stress lately must have derailed me. Apart from divorce, well nearly. I gave him the ultimatum in Geelong when he was going to go away with his bestie for a trip and didn’t tell me until the very end.

Then him being sick. I made the decision to come back because of him being sick. Then having to deal with a new job, grief, renovation, moving, selling the house, teenagers. All of that would do your head in not just mine.

Anyhow, have made up my mind. Going to fight it and my weapons? A good sleep every night. Going to have some routine in my life. No more thinking about me. About the bad bits. And of course my whole library of music. They always lift me up when I am down.

Damn it, wish I could just stop the tears.

I see trees of green…red roses too…I see them bloom for me and you..and I think to myself what a wonderful world..Louis Armstrong.

February 2013