I wonder what will come out of the rubbles? Will it be a brand new spanking house? Or a replica of the old one demolished?

This morning I woke crying again. May be it’s my hormones or may be it’s just me being sad. Either way my eyes are swollen and red. Don’t know how to fob off the kids anymore . Can’t use the it’s my hormones playing up again excuse too many a times.

Today I thought to the earlier part of our relationship. Were we doomed from the very start? We argued even before we got hitched . Mostly about his family.

The eve of our wedding mum took me aside and said to me it’s not too late to send the pressies back.

Why did I persist? Was it naivety of a 23 years old? Thinking I’ve already given my virginity to him? No other Asian guy was going to want me? Was it because I thought he was a good man and will care for me? Despite him coming from a family background that’s so very different from mine? Different values ? Different morals ? Trying to benefit themselves through loopholes and what not?

I am not like that. I’m straight and narrow. My dad was in the army. My mum has always told me that we are poor but we can hold our heads high when we walk.

I’m not without faults. I loved too freely. I’d never cheat the system. I can’t do under the table dealings. Can’t accept any of that. Am I then not flexible? Am I then not Asian? I look like an Asian?

To thrive a relationship needs to give and take. To compromise. Thinking back did we both ever compromised or were we too stubborn in our ways to do so?

He told me the other day he resented the fact that I sneaked to the toilet and bawled my eyes out and refused to come out when it was time to raise the glass to his side of the family.

I corrected him, we had 360 guests. Thus 36 tables to go around. We’ve decided to do a public on the podium raising of the glass don’t you remember ? When you asked me I was upset as I thought it was done and dusted. It’s not my side or your side that we did one and not the other.

Mind you at our wedding the bulk of guests were on their side. His mum even invited her GP. His brother wanted us to pay for his table of friends. Our bill was 16K for the night.

It was huge money back then as he was earning $400 a week. I was earning less as pharmacists back in those days earned $13/hour. I was an intern which meant 80% of wage of a qualified.

I can’t believed he resented it and never told me. Our wedding day was a day I wished to forget. Woke up at 5am to get my make up done. I looked like an orangutan.

Then it’s two tea ceremonies on different sides of Melbourne. Back then there was no connecting freeways. It’s an hour drive to get from one house to the other. After that photos at the park somewhere else before heading off to the reception to greet the guests and photos with everyone. By the time the raising of the glass came I was over it.

The best bit of it all was when it was over and we could go back to our place to rest.

Every year we celebrate our anniversary yet there’s a sadness to it all.

In our language when two people divorce the term “bỏ nhau” translates as they’ve abandoned each other.